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Saturday, March 8, 2014

And the distance kills...

It's not impossible but definitely takes an enormous efforts.

It's March already. Many things happened in this short time. 2014 has a lot of stories for me. So far I learnt to removing negative people from my life and just enjoy the unexpected. It's getting happier.

I feel something is not quite right yet. My heart. When it comes to feeling and love, I feel a little bit blessed also cursed. Have you ever felt that way? Lately I've been missing people that came in my life last year. People that even had hurt me but still undenialable that had given me such a good comfort time too. People that have changed in interaction between us. I have changed too, I supposed. It's making it more complicated at this time.

My love life stories not far away from distance. I mean, a real distance. My first serious relationship was torn because the distance that hard to avoid. Distance that grew the doubtness. It left me fallen too deep and hurt my self. Then another story that created drama. I believe that all the feelings were true, but we were not strong enough to defeat the emptiness while the distance took us apart.

Unbelieavably that's happening again right now. My heart is taken by someone that living thousands miles away. Different time zone, different season, different circle. Unreachable and untouchable. But I feel the strong addiction of his presence. A strong willing to just giving my attention and time for him. The moment we had was short but memorable. I have no idea wether we will ever meet again, but I wish we will. My heart is taken. Taken by him.

I try to against the imaginary hope which cover my rational. I dont say it wont work, but we havent even talk about it. I'm afraid he kills his feeling. I'm afraid its uneven. I open my heart and mind, at least I think I do so. Giving other guys chances. But seems not working well. My heart still belongs to him. What am I suppose to do?

I want to know what is he thinking about. Wonder if I ever cross his mind. If he ever wants me more than this. If he ever miss me as much as I do. I miss him. I want him. I crave for him. And the distance kills.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Story of my life: 2013

This is the last day of this year, 2013. Things have been changed a lot and many lessons learnt. Met new friends, new experience, new point of view. 2013 could be passed by without compromise, and it was hard for me, although a lot of fun went along. Memories stay and saved. Hope all of you having a blast New Year's Eve and can be a better person also reach all the goals. Over all, no matter how hard your life is, don't ever give and keep moving forward. :')

Furthermore, these are some highlights from my 2013.

January
NYE 2012-2013

girls date <3 td="">

Sing with the joy, DVT Queens


February
Show with Only Seven Left by the Dutch Embassy

First date holiday
March and April
Attended vietnamese wedding 

New good vietnamese friends

joined a new community
May

Broken hearted but have great friends around

swim alot

enjoy car free day

Vesak trip to Borobudur
June

met someone that gave me a lesson

after few years finally we met again

Met someone that can light my days
July
Trip to Borneo, Kalimantan

Caesar's wedding
August
My birthday session 1

Eid Mubarak 

My birthday party

Party with roommates on my birthday
September
Friend that too tall

Ethnics Fashion Shows

Party with good people

Mel's graduation pool party

Farewell Dinner for Stephen
October
Party with my former boss

Halloween this year!
November
Swanky tunes action


European Higher Education fair for Hanze

The sweetest guy ever
December
Kick out the sadness with these awesome chill people

Christmas lunch with beautiful best friends

dea's birthday :*

Poppy's wedding

Seems like full of happiness right? But this year I was broken heart so badly and transform my self, pushed me to do something more spontan. Was a great lesson to went through. I thank God for everything that happened in my life. I wouldnt be me if I didn't pass all of these. :)

Poljubac,
ketty

My personality test result

I took a personality test by Carl Jung and the result says i'm an ENFP, which is...

ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of a cosmic whole. They want to both help and to be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. This is rarely a problem for the ENFP, as they are outgoing and warm, and genuinely like people. Some ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality.
ENFPs often have strong, if sometimes surprising, values and viewpoints. They tend to try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade others gently (though enthusiastically) of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in the ENFP neglecting their nearest and dearest while caught up their efforts to change the world.
ENFPs can be the warmest, kindest, and most sympathetic of mates; affectionate, demonstrative, and spontaneous. Many in relationships with an ENFP literally say, "They light up my life." But there is usually a trade-off: the partner must be willing to deal with the practical and financial aspects of the relationship, and the ENFP must be allowed the freedom to follow their latest path, whatever that entails.
For some ENFPs, relationships can be seriously tested by their short attention spans and emotional needs. They are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting their older and more familiar emotional ties for long stretches at a time. And the less mature ENFP may need to feel they’re the constant center of attention, to confirm their image of themselves as a wonderful and fascinating person.
In the workplace, ENFPs are pleasant and friendly, and interact in a positive and creative manner with both their co-workers and the public. ENFPs are also a major asset in brainstorming sessions; follow-through on projects can be a problem, however. ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks. ENFPs are most productive when working in a group with a few Js to handle the details and the deadlines.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

The greatest memory about you

When my friends talking about how their men treat them, I feel the luckiest. Over all those men, the one that stuck in my mind is the best ever and he treated me so damn well ever. Everyone gets jealous when they listened to my story. Sucks that he isn't around  Thank God for brought a decent man like him into my life. but I dont know how to let him know that he is special for me. I wish I could get rid of him since i dont know what he thinks and feels about me, but unfortunately I couldnt, I dont want actually. Even what I have only memories, but my heart is still singing his name. I really hope that there's a moment when I can feel him around my body. Hugging me and kissing me like nothing else matters. Let's universe creates the conspiracy to bring us together in serendipity. I miss him. <3 p="">

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

What are you?


doubt

How to be sure of something that uncertain. uncertainty is always driving me nuts. Like I want to believe in one thing but then another word can brought me a huge doubtness. I'd rather die because of the truth rather than living in not knowing anything. But, I can't even find the courage and create the form to ask...

law of attraction


The more you realized that small things can give big impact and be thankful for that, the happier you will be. :')

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Skyfall

I miss my mother...  That's the only thing I can say when problems come to me. Not like I take advantage to get a pitty for whatever happens to me, but I just really miss my mom. Whatever happens, she will ask me what makes it happen. Or what's the reason or why is it happens like this. yeah, what i need is actually a chance to understand both sides of the problem. I dont mind to admit and apologize for what I've done wrong. But at least make it civilized.

Unfortunately, only her that has the ability and big personality to do that. You know what's funny? I actually only have my mom, no matter how the bloodline go here and there. Yeah, if I know this life is going to be like this, I might asked my mom to raised me in different way. So I dont have to be open minded, creative, or love to learn. I might be choose to be average, no personal voice, and just follow what older people want me to do. 

Seems like whatever I do is wrong now. Family, i dont feel like i have one. Since whenever I gather with people that named family I always feel intimidated no matter what. No one ever ask how am I doing, not even how am I at that moment. I try to be normal like what they want, but seems always wrong. No I dont have them, I love them so much instead. However, I dont know how to act and react when I am with them. I don't know how to communicate with them. That breaks my heart over time. All this time, I miss them but I don't want to meet them. It hurts.

Am I that naive if I just want to be accepted for whatever I am? Be respected for what I know and chose, be the part of the circle. Be heard and listened. Counted for what's going on inside the family. I'm tired to be the one that only allowed to silent and accept whatever they say about me. Not even have a chance to stand up for my self. To be seen normal not only seen with one eye. Am I wrong if I feel hurt?

I'm not always right, not even perfect. I'm desperate to get the right attention. How am I suppose to act when I face a hard choice I have no body that care to help me discuss about that. I'm tired. I love them and it hurts. I never choose to be born this way. I never choose to life like this. No matter how hard I try to be better, seems it just nothing. And all wrong steps I took are the best thing they want to know and laugh at. Tell me how to communicate with my own family. I wish they know how much I miss them and how much I care about them. I wish they know that in my prayer they're always there, and how i'm afraid losing them. But it will never spoken and they will never know wont they. This is maybe what I call, SKYFALL.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

happy halloween!

Happy halloween everybody!
Realized that I always posting depression things on my blog. I feel pretty bad about that. So this time i'm gonna just update about my halloween night. Was dressed up as Black Swan. had a crazy party.