"Don't take anything for granted..." That's what my best friend told me. I know this is my fault. When I started in love with him I forget my own self. I'm busy focus about him. I depended my day on him. I take him for granted. Lesson learned.(1)
When we broke up I feel devastated. Feel the misery that I never imagine. The worst thing, I feel like being home is the place that hurts me the most. Whenever I'm home, I feel like I'm being prisoned, all things reminds me of one person, him. I wanted to cry, I couldn't cry, it was hurt. I keep looking on my phone, no whatsapp and bbm from the person that I love the most at the moment. No text from anyone. I feel more alone. My fault! When I started dating him, I stopped texting with other guys, friends that not close, or strangers. Sooo... Nobody text me anymore. Everyone is gave up to get to know me because I had a beautiful boyfriend and I was ignoring them because I didn't want him to get jealous. I shouldn't be like that, I should keep talking to people. Lesson learned. (2)
Loving someone/thing too much is never good. That's what I do. I love him more than I love my self. I love him devotedly, with all my heart, truly madly deeply in love. I serve him as best as I can. I praise him in front of anyone. I never done this madness before. I've been hurt before, but never this deep. I started to be arrogant, forget to spend time to meet my Lord personally. I've prayed a lot, but not in proper way. While, some 'smart' people have told me that God loves me a lot, I'm actually close to the almighty One. Now when I have nothing to help me, I run back to Him. I surrender my self, I whining to Him, I ask Him what I want. I feel better. I still love him much, but I'm more calm. Lesson learned. (3)
I can't get rid of him yet. My heart, my mind, my body are still belong to him. Even I feel more upset because wonderful thing we had before mean nothing for him. It doesn't change the decision that more absurd for me each day. But he was giving me the best things I could wish. He brought me back on track, he motivated my ego and think about my future again, he made me realized that cigarette and alcohol aren't that important for me. He made me be grateful of what I have more. He made me look better each day. He gave me the courage to be a better person. According to life that I have I demanded to live like I'm older than my age. That's even better when I was with him. I never complained anymore because I'm 20 but I should live and act like am 24. I enjoyed it, honestly. I am insane because of love? I guess yes.
What should I do to make you love me like I love you? Affection, trust, unconditional love, and ears seem don't enough to serve. I never trusted and loved someone like I do to you. I don't mind with your baggage, I'm okay with your emotions, I can enjoy your taste of art, music, film, and food. I want to leave my comfort zone if you asked. I want to learn to compromised to act like more proper. I want to have babies with you (ups ;p). I love your niece, I also like and care about your parents and siblings. I accept your way in understanding and finding your piece of peace from beliefs. I accept you for who you are. But that's not good enough, right?
Would your ever realized someday, that... I know you more than people around you know you. You can acting that you're fine in front of people, being super nice, like your life is always under control, but I can see you behind the mask. I know how your mind wander around before you sleep. I know when you just sit in silence, I can see whether you think about something or just relaxing. I know when you're really happy. I know how your anger haunt you, even you don't want to admit that. I've been there, done that. It took me years to finally let those things go and leave me in peace. I know that when you're getting drunk but not happy, you're trying to shut your mind down, but it doesn't work that way. You know that you can always tell me everything, literally everything, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. You know I know you more than they do.
I want you to understand that I ain't going anywhere. I'm still here. I want you to understand that we don't need to rush, just go with the flow. I never ask you for commit to anything that gonna burn you in fears. Understand that our age gap doesn't that bad. Because I'm not living the live like people at my age do. I'm not perfect but I give my best. Understand that I wont force you to do what I want.
From what I see, you actually care about me a lot, you want to take care of me all the time, not because my age, you know I'll be fine. You do that because unconsciously you love me. Don't you be jealous if I talk to guys? Don't you? You love me, do you know that? I think you just freaked out because you're happy with me. You are unconsciously afraid to get hurt again. You built a higher defense. Maybe you are afraid that I know you too much. I understand...
You are happy with me. You are comfortable with me. You know that...
However... You would say that I'm wrong, or maybe I'm wrong. You doubt about me, right? Analyze either you doubt because you're afraid or because I'm too young? But I promise to my self. Today I give up. I give up to show you how much I love you, how much I understand you, how much you drive me crazy. I give up to make you to see me that I can be good for you. I ain't going anywhere, sayang... I just learn to let you go. Learn to be happy to see you happy without me. Learn to bring back my life without you. You're a good man. You're wonderful. Your tender heart keep my feeling living the same way. I'm not leaving, baby. I just stop trying...
I don't know it is gonna push you away or even pull you back closer. Deep in my heart, I want to talk to you every fucking day, I want to listen to you every single damn time, I want to just hold you and feel your presence. If I can do something to do that again. But for now, I will back off.
Baby, know that I always care about you. Know I always here for you. Know that my love will follow you everywhere you go. Know that my prayer sent to you every single day. Know that I ain't going anywhere.
I'm waiting you to find me... In your way...
I love you, AJL. And I miss you so fucking damn much.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Aku tidak punya nama. Aku tidak punya pilihan. Aku hanyalah aku. Bila butuh, aku disayang. Bila sibuk, aku terlupakan. Tentu terdengar menyedihkan, namun nyatanya aku cukup menikmati hidupku. Hidup yang tidak pernah aku pilih. Aku cukup terpukau, aku bisa tiba pada titik ini. Such an unpredictable journey, so far...
Aku tiba di sebuah ruangan bernuansa minimalis di bilangan selatan Jakarta. Aku menyaksikan dua manusia saling meluapkan rindu. Seorang gadis yang memiliki banyak hal dalam dirinya namun seperti tersesat dalam tantangan hidup. Jua seorang pria yang sepertinya pemalu, sangat sensitif namun penyayang, masih berusaha mencari kepercayaan pada apa yang terjadi. Pelukan erat menyatukan mereka berdua, lama, memudarkan rasa malu yang terpendarkan di awal.
Mereka memadu kasih, sepasang adam dan hawa yang telah lama terpisah jarak. Sunyi. Mereka bercerita dalam diam. Mata saling bertemu, menatap dalam. Senyum, gincu yang memudar tak hentinya memberi lekuk dalam riang kerinduan. Gugup, kian lama saling tak berpeluk. Dan aku, sebuah boneka beruang berbulu kecil menyaksikannya sendiri. Aku bahagia. Sungguh! Seandainya... aku juga bisa merasakan apa yang mereka rasakan. Seandainya...
Tunggu dulu! Aku tidak sendiri! Michelle meletakkan aku di meja sebelah TV, di sana terduduk jua seekor keledai. Bukan, boneka keledai. Milik Paul, katanya. Ya, Michelle adalah nona peranakan Cina Indonesia yang mengasuh aku, menyayangi aku. Keledai itu tersenyum hangat menyapaku. Dia juga telah lama menyaksikan Paul di kamar ini. Paul yang merupakan bule, asli Belanda, mendekatkannya padaku. Ini seperti perjodohan!
Aku dan si Donkey akhirnya merelakan diri untuk saling mengenal. Kami bosan menyaksikan Paul dan Michelle melepas kangen, menggelak tawa, juga saling merangkul. Aku pun mencoba memahami cerita Donkey, dia berasal dari Yunani. Aku? Aku asli buatan Indonesia. Cocok? Ah! Apa ini? Kenapa aku sudah berpikir jauh?
unfinished short story by Ketty Tressianah
Monday, April 8, 2013
|Always hard to say good bye isnt it?|
Two weeks ago, I broke up with AJL/Joost. It was horrible for me to get through, even until now. But then, I have to accept it. It didnt work (yet). Some people say, "Loving the right person at the wrong time." Maybe... I couldn't say that I'm going to move on easily, in fact, I dont want to move on. I still like him a lot. I want him to be happy. I want him to be capable to dealing with his own feeling. I want him to feel grateful he ever had (still has me though) me. Call me naive. I dont give a fuck.
I stayed with him for 9 days. Days full of drama and mixed up feelings. Days that made me happy also sad. I was trying hard to hate, angry, mad to him, but I can't. Although, I never able to change the facts, but I will stay like this. Maybe I'm hurting my own feeling, put my hopes up, at least I do my best for something that worth to fight for. We never know how long we gonna live in this world, right? And I dont want to regret something that I never done just because I am afraid to get hurt or shed some tears. It could be hurt but has better impact.
At the mean time, we both are good. We're not getting back now. Even I wish we could... And tonight I will hop in to a plane back to Jakarta. And my life needs to be continued. If God let us to be together, we will someday. I will never ever forget the best time of being with someone that I had, I never trust and love someone this much before. This is what grown up called sucks. I don't mind to be judged just because my age is not as much as them, however at my age I have experienced alot that makes me stronger in the future. I will never tired to do the best I can try and learn for someone I love. Good things never come easy, toch.
Thanks Joost Lansen, thanks Ho Chi Minh City, thanks my dearest friends wherever you are, thanks my new friends in Vietnam. This has been a great time for me. Well as I told my bestie, when I get back to Jakarta I don't want to be a heavy drinker, gain weight, or being anti-social again. I will show my feelings in positive ways. Maybe I will do what Joost suggested, hit the gym. I need to work and write more though. Love!