Thursday, December 12, 2013


I miss my mother...  That's the only thing I can say when problems come to me. Not like I take advantage to get a pitty for whatever happens to me, but I just really miss my mom. Whatever happens, she will ask me what makes it happen. Or what's the reason or why is it happens like this. yeah, what i need is actually a chance to understand both sides of the problem. I dont mind to admit and apologize for what I've done wrong. But at least make it civilized.

Unfortunately, only her that has the ability and big personality to do that. You know what's funny? I actually only have my mom, no matter how the bloodline go here and there. Yeah, if I know this life is going to be like this, I might asked my mom to raised me in different way. So I dont have to be open minded, creative, or love to learn. I might be choose to be average, no personal voice, and just follow what older people want me to do. 

Seems like whatever I do is wrong now. Family, i dont feel like i have one. Since whenever I gather with people that named family I always feel intimidated no matter what. No one ever ask how am I doing, not even how am I at that moment. I try to be normal like what they want, but seems always wrong. No I dont have them, I love them so much instead. However, I dont know how to act and react when I am with them. I don't know how to communicate with them. That breaks my heart over time. All this time, I miss them but I don't want to meet them. It hurts.

Am I that naive if I just want to be accepted for whatever I am? Be respected for what I know and chose, be the part of the circle. Be heard and listened. Counted for what's going on inside the family. I'm tired to be the one that only allowed to silent and accept whatever they say about me. Not even have a chance to stand up for my self. To be seen normal not only seen with one eye. Am I wrong if I feel hurt?

I'm not always right, not even perfect. I'm desperate to get the right attention. How am I suppose to act when I face a hard choice I have no body that care to help me discuss about that. I'm tired. I love them and it hurts. I never choose to be born this way. I never choose to life like this. No matter how hard I try to be better, seems it just nothing. And all wrong steps I took are the best thing they want to know and laugh at. Tell me how to communicate with my own family. I wish they know how much I miss them and how much I care about them. I wish they know that in my prayer they're always there, and how i'm afraid losing them. But it will never spoken and they will never know wont they. This is maybe what I call, SKYFALL.

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