Friday, August 3, 2012

shits in my heart

Hello readers, again i need to say sorry because I have no time to update my blog.  I should write some posts, but then I was too busy with my gloomy feeling. ha ha ha. Not attractive! lol. And I also spent so little time at home, I don't know why my anger is heated up whenever I'm home. For some reasons, I love to run away haha.

This is Ramadhan, fasting month. This is the second ramadhan i go through without my mom. It's even harder than before. I'm turning 20 by the end of this month. I plan to spend this golden time with my best friends in paradise. Hope it will be amazing.

Now, I'm in a stage that I find so hard to deal with. The stage where I'm searching for my future. As I've told before (long ago) I'm lost without my mom. So many sadness have been around me. Trapped me like a donkey. I don't want to stay this way for any longer. Seriously... I'm searching for what I can, what I want, what I need. Searching for guidances, affections, and motivation.

At the moment, Am actually burnt in anger, and I hate it. Why? I'm home and find my self disappointed. I jusr swallow it, the thing that I never able to understand why I can do it this long. It's shit.My life is turned into a mess. More drama happened.

I miss my mom even more. All my dreams seem blur, and I hate it. I feel uncomfortable with my self. I wasn't like this, I wasn't me. But who am I then? I carry the same name and body. I need my mom more than I used to. This life getting tougher, more unfair. Who I need to blame on?

I'm getting more closed, even to my own self. I'm scared that I can't survive. I'm afraid that I'll turn into a loser. The more I feel my self strange. I wish I won't though. It drives me crazy and depressed. But let us see, if God loves me more than I know, I probably will risen up sooner. :)

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