Today, the 94th day i live without you. Do you know, living without you is so freaking hard?
I miss you , ma, i really miss you too much. Too much. :'(
Ma, how are you over there? Have you met grandpa? Have you met the guardian angels of yours? Do you get alot of friends who will accompany and laugh together with you?
Ma, could you come to my dream? You haven't give me the recipe of our best brownies to me. I miss to make it, ci Phei also miss to eat alot of it. As we know, i always forget my diet if there is our brownies. :D I never taste the same or similar brownies so far, not as good as ours. We knew that, right?
Today is Robby's birthday mom. He is getting older, i hope he could be better, as we together hope so far. His career, his behavior, his spirituality. Amin.
Mom, did you know, I am so scared to facing the reality. I am scared that what we have fight for will not happen. And I don't have you around anymore, how could I survive without you, ma?
Ma, if only you was brave enough to fight the cancer earlier, you might be still here with me. You know, i really need your hugs. You are the only person who loves me and knows me better, and accept me whatever i am. Ma, I am nothing without you. I feel so lonely. the loneliest I've ever felt in my life.
Last Eid Mubarak was on my birthday, mom. My 19th birthday. I kept telling you that while you was laying down in the hospital. Do you remember that? It was the worst Eid Mubarak ever, there was no ketupat, no opor, no rendang. Theres was not you. I wore your dress, the red one with kain songket.
Mom, I really miss your presence. You are the only one who knows how scared I am walking or going home alone. You know, those disgusting people who always shouting inproper words on me, you know how paranoid I am. I miss to feel safe on the way, mom. Nobody pick me up anymore. Robby doesn't want to do so. So I always taking taxi. You might be angry because of that, i have no choice mom. So sorry. If only you was let me driving motorbike, i guess the condition would be better.
Mom, sorry i should tell you such a bad thing. Do you remember, when I swear i hate my brother so much? You begged me to do not that. I am trying hard to not hate him, ma. But tell me how? You now the problem, right? Blame me i am the worst sister ever, i am the most selfish child, i treat my brother so bad, but would you tell me mom, how to let him know to do whatever he should do without asked thousands times? To do what he should do without let me frustrated in anger first. You know what was happen when both of us in fighting, don't you? You knew why my room's door broken, right? I am so depressed mom.
Mommy, if only you were here, i couln't cry alone, you would be next to me and tell me to stop crying. No one will call me everyday to ask where I am, or have I eaten, or just tellng me you love me. Nobody does that again, because only you does that with purely love.
Mama, what if our dreams will not come true? Then i fall down and never wake up again? Would you keep loving me that much? Would you still proud of me? Would you still there to safe my life? Mama, I am loser without you.
Mom, i am sorry, i was not me anymore. I was not your daughter that you proud of anymore. I am now just a spoil girl that selfish,quirky, full of anger, frustrated, have no responsibility. I am sorry if you disappointed. I am keep on trying to be a better me, wish me succeed, mom.
Mama, I am worried, i run so far away. Can i still ask you to pray for me? Because only your prayers that God heard. I fucked up! I am just hundred pieces of paper on the mud, right now. Everybody hates me. I hate everyone. I lost me trust on what i used to believe. I believe to emptyness now. How embarrassing this fact is. I hate to admit it, mom. trust me it really is.
Mama, time refuses to stop, and i still on the lowest ground. I tried to stand up, but it just so heavy on my shoulders. Will I crazy because the fact that i will fail soon? Mom, i would be okay if you were here. :'(
Breast cancer have taken you away from my life. Should i hate it? how to deal with it? You do know, i couldn't pretending like i am so strong and tough enough. You are the only parent that i have. We knew my biologically father doesn't do his responsibility, not even now. He doesn't care if i am alive or have eaten or not. It is sad. Ironic. Tragic.
Anyway, i am so happy that you don't have to take so much pills in a day. There's no pipes around your body. No injection. You are totally recovery now, aren't you?
Mommy, if you can, please take me with you. I'll give everything to have you back, again. No matter million tears should be fell. I just want you, i need you. Only you!
Beloved mom, you are loving people so warmly. Thanks for that, because when you're gone, they helped us. Everbody loves you. I am the most. Mom, i miss you. Did you know my tears before sleep was for you only?
Mom, sorry i should send this letter on blog, i don't have anyone to tell it with now. My best friends just kind a busy with their university. they like your performance.
Mom, when i can feel your hug again?
from your screwed up child,
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